Envy is the worst poison

They say it's jealousy, but to my it's evny.
Because then you don't even enjoy what you have, and feel miserable about other people that don't share your life anyway; they're on a different path, doing different things. You should never compare yourself to others.
I know it get said a lot, but it's so true.

And when you envy someone that's your friend, that's the worse.

I feel the worst person ever today, I swear.

I know it's mean and wrong and I just shouldn't do, because it's unfair too
but I am envying my friend. And it hurts and sucks and I feel all the worse because you shouldn't feel this way about your  friends.

Thing is, I am happy for her. I really, really am. She deserves all the good that she can get, because she's an amazing person.

But I can't help but feeling

"...why her and not me? Is there something wrong in me, or in what I am doing? Why can't I get that too?"

and I know that's not the way it works; and probably she envies (or not, because she's a better person that I am) things I have - a place to call mine, more security, an healthy brother - but it's so frustrating because it's like she doesn't even care.
No, that's not true.
But what she has, I have been wanting it so badly and sometimes it just feels like everything I thouch crumbles and breaks.

And it doesn't matter that I made out with a guy last week and it was great, he's never going to call again; and she always manages to have the sickingly sweet encounters, where they hold hands and talk all the time, and become FB friends and hear from each other - and I just seem to be able to kiss them and send them away and it's like "what do I do wrong?"

And sometimes loneliness catches up with me and it's like a beast hunting you; sometimes you feel okay for a while, but it's always only a patch and it's never going to fix it, because it's rooted so deeply down in you that you feel like you are never going to get rid of it.

And I just want someone to hold me close at night, and not to wake up alone in my bed everymorning.
I don't even want this on a regular basis; but at least once in my life, please.

And whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling, it's like no one feels the way I do then (of course) I start wondering if maybe it's me, maybe my way of feeling is so alien that that's what drieves people away.

And I know that one should stay true to his/herself and I do, I swear I do - I've been doing it these past 27 years, it's not like I am giving up now;
but I swear I just want some comfort and know that's ok; that's going to be okay, that I am safe and I will make it thought this too.

I want to know that I am loveable and worth caring for. Desireable.





I just want to cry now, but the tears won't come.