Memories

For some reason, lately I think about you all the time.
About what had been, between us. 

In a way, this is extremely frustrating. Because of what was, and of course will never be again; and I don't even know why I should dwell on it in this manner, but I can't help it.
And then, because I don't understand:
what we had - whatever little it was - it's over now, and I'm content with that. I am honest when I say that I'm more satisfied in being your friend than else. But the memories haunt me.
Why is that? Why do they have to come back to me in such a vivid manner?

...the way I rested my head against your shoulder and chest the night we met. The way you hold me close, and your straying hand on my backside; enough to make me quiver. Finally kissing you, and it was like drinking fresh water in the desert. The way you kissed my neck and my brain shut down completely. Chatting side by side on a bench and you kissing the top of my head. The smile you had when you saw me arrive.

See, it wasn't much - it has been only a couple of weeks and brief encounters. Nothing significant.
But I've been thinking, lately; that of all the guys I've been with, you're the only one I wanted to be with in that moment. I kissed them all, but you had been the only one I had wanted to kiss before it happened.


But I don't want to mourn over the loss of something; because I don't think I've "lost" anything. I had something, I had you - for those, brief, moments; and that's something I never thought I could - and as such I intend to treasure it. Without pain, though; and sadness.
But I really don't understand why I can't seem to let it go, why these reminescences have to haunt me - because they still have the power to stir me deeply.

I want to move on - and find someone that deserves me. Just let me go now. 

Now I can breathe again

 I am just so happy

Happy that we talked, happy that is was you to make the first move.
You must have noticed how awkward and stiff and uncomfortable I was when I came to talk to you - although I did, and I hugged you and told you "I am here to make conversation!", just like you accused me last time of not doing. Then you just stood there, and talked to someone else while I was waiting for my drink; and I even made sure you were busy so I could not be scolded again. And I told you I was leaving. And when you came at the table, we basically ignored each other- or maybe it was a careful thread around each other...? Sure that's how I pictured the whole night - and the future of our possible interactions - would be (basically, a nightmare).
Instead, the first thing you said when we were left alone was "Let's start again fresh. Let's not mention what happened, I have been honestly too busy and too tired to say anything; but's let's give ourself a fresh start."
It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I had to hug you for the relief. I don't care about "fault" and "responsibilities"; all I care is that this is past us.

I thought all this was lost forever, I thought you were lost forever and you didn't care - you told me quite literally this is not the case - and we could not be friends and that broke my heart.
It did. I don't care that we'll never be anything more, because that's not what I want anyway; but to lose you like that...
Instead, I (we) are given a new chance. It is priceless. The relief is indeed overwhelming. It feels like I can breathe again.
Also because I didn't expect it, let alone coming from you- having you say "There's something wrong, let's fix it"; and this makes it all more valuable.

Now, if I could just get over the fact that you're still screwing that little bitch; and never wanted to sleep with me...

Give me love

I've always valued my indipendence more than anything.
I hate feeling restricted, depending on someone else (for anything - for my happines, to have something done... really anything). I've always thought, I'd be better off by myself than with someone I don't want to be. That relationships should not be entered lightly and you should really be with someone you want to be with, not having a couple life just out of habit. Because, honestly; of course you get attached to someone with whom you share your daily life with, that you hear from everyday and exchange physical affections - up to and including, but not only, sexual intercourse - and share your free times and holidays with. I always say, it's like sleeping with your pet- you get attached to a hamster too, if you have it around it everyday and you don't detest it.

I stand by all this. I haven't changed my mind and - goodness! - certainly I don't want to settle. I never liked second bestes, for me it's always been all or nothing. I want what I want; and if I can't have it, I'd rather not have anything at all than settling for something that just won't do.
That's who I am, that's how I'm done; and - to be honest - I am quite proud of it too.
But...
but.
There are so many in betweens.
There's the aching in your loins and your lips those days you just really want to kiss someone.
There's those days when nothing seems to go your way, and you just wish you had someone to call.
There's the bewinderment when you wake up in the middle of the night and you're alone in your bed; or in the morning when you open your eyes and you just wish, with all your might, just for few seconds, that there was someone resting the head on the pillow next to yours.
There's the coming home late at night, sore and tired; when you crawl under your blankets and you would want to have someone to hold you close, and fall asleep to the sound of their breath.
There's the times you go to the movies alone, and walk in the park with the colours of the autumn all around you, and the falling leaves; and no one to hold your hand.

And it's great that you can close the door behind you, and no one will come knocking and bother you. That you don't have to share those popcorn at the movies, or fight about just which one to go to anyway. The freedom to just shut off your phone and have no one panic because you don't answer. The luxurious joy of just spreading your limbs and stretch like a cat in that bed of yours; and not having to fight for space.
All this is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I love it.
And usually the times when I enjoy and treasure all this are many more than the occasional pang of solitude. All in all I am happy.

But can you honesly, entirely be happy of a choice that's not yours?
Yes, I value my freedom and indipendence and all that; but sometimes it would be nice to have someone knocking on that door, or turning on the phone and find five missed calls.
Because it would mean that someone cared enough.


And although things are so much better lately, and I've had more in these past few months that I've experienced in my whole life, even if I feel confident and attractive, and I know how to have a good time without regrets, even if I've ticked off some "I'd like to do this" from my list

I still feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and I am reaching out, and there's no one there to grab my hand.
And it gets so tiring, and I am afraid I will end up letting go or just turning around and not looking back- close inside myself and just "fuck everyone". And this scares me, because I've been there before - and it was a dark, dangerous path; and I don't even know how I get through it, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it once again.
And it feels like I am here, with my heart wide open and no-one will take it.
More, I feel completely alienated because sometimes I don't seem to feel what others feel; or I just frequent people with such different sensitivities than mine that I could come from a different planet.

And I'm not ashamed - for no one should ever be of one's emotions or ways of feeling - but I swears it makes me wondering
Is there something wrong with me?
Because everything I touch seems to turn to dust, and I keep on caring for people that clearly don't do the same for me
and I don't seem to be ever able to keep anyone around. 
And it doesn't matter if it's someone I want or not [bear with me for a second here] because at least it would mean that there's something, in me, worth loving.
We all want to be loved.  It means that we're worth it. I need to feel worthy of someone's love. 

And I want to be adored, and cherished. I want someone to feel enchanted by me, by the way I smile and the passion I put into things. That will forgive my insane attachement to fictional characters, and to share my passions for books and movies and baking and horse riding and travelling.
Someone that will caress my hair and kiss my neck. To hold my hand and stroke my back. To trace with his fingers every freckle and birthmark on my skin (and there's a lot of them). To marvel at the texture of it, and to hug me close. To rest his head on my chest and having him offer his shoulder to cry and/or sleep on.
I want to feel desired, and take his breath away when I take off my clothes. I want to be undressed and desired so intensly it hurts.

Given my more than strict requirements about being in a relationship [see above] I could settle for having this for at least one night.
But then he wouldn't call back, and I'd feel the emptiness even more.

 What's wrong with me?!


 

Envy is the worst poison

They say it's jealousy, but to my it's evny.
Because then you don't even enjoy what you have, and feel miserable about other people that don't share your life anyway; they're on a different path, doing different things. You should never compare yourself to others.
I know it get said a lot, but it's so true.

And when you envy someone that's your friend, that's the worse.

I feel the worst person ever today, I swear.

I know it's mean and wrong and I just shouldn't do, because it's unfair too
but I am envying my friend. And it hurts and sucks and I feel all the worse because you shouldn't feel this way about your  friends.

Thing is, I am happy for her. I really, really am. She deserves all the good that she can get, because she's an amazing person.

But I can't help but feeling

"...why her and not me? Is there something wrong in me, or in what I am doing? Why can't I get that too?"

and I know that's not the way it works; and probably she envies (or not, because she's a better person that I am) things I have - a place to call mine, more security, an healthy brother - but it's so frustrating because it's like she doesn't even care.
No, that's not true.
But what she has, I have been wanting it so badly and sometimes it just feels like everything I thouch crumbles and breaks.

And it doesn't matter that I made out with a guy last week and it was great, he's never going to call again; and she always manages to have the sickingly sweet encounters, where they hold hands and talk all the time, and become FB friends and hear from each other - and I just seem to be able to kiss them and send them away and it's like "what do I do wrong?"

And sometimes loneliness catches up with me and it's like a beast hunting you; sometimes you feel okay for a while, but it's always only a patch and it's never going to fix it, because it's rooted so deeply down in you that you feel like you are never going to get rid of it.

And I just want someone to hold me close at night, and not to wake up alone in my bed everymorning.
I don't even want this on a regular basis; but at least once in my life, please.

And whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling, it's like no one feels the way I do then (of course) I start wondering if maybe it's me, maybe my way of feeling is so alien that that's what drieves people away.

And I know that one should stay true to his/herself and I do, I swear I do - I've been doing it these past 27 years, it's not like I am giving up now;
but I swear I just want some comfort and know that's ok; that's going to be okay, that I am safe and I will make it thought this too.

I want to know that I am loveable and worth caring for. Desireable.





I just want to cry now, but the tears won't come. 

It's complicated

Why do certain relationship -of any kind- between two people have to be so complicated?
F*ck.

No matter how you turn it, no matter what kind of bond is there- you just can't get it right.
Is it a hint that you should just give up and avoid hurting each other in any way, by being just apart?
I don't believe the chick flick bullshit that is forced on women- and that we dispense to each other on a regular basis. Things like "...that's because you mean so much to each other" or "you're both so deep, it's inevitable to crash" or - that is the worse - that "you fight so much because you're so attracted".

That's nonsense.
If I like someone (being physically/romantically attracted, or just like someone as a person) I don't want to fight. I want to get along. To talk, to have a good time. Cupcakes and rainbows, give them to me.
[!!! This is very different from a healthy, intellectual, discussion !!!]
But sometimes is just so complicated.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I overthink things.
Ok, that's for sure. I overthink even my overthoughts.
But! There's more. There needs to be more; I need to have some kind of grounds to base my paranoia on.
The other person has to do something too.

So, we're back to the start- why do some relationships have to be so complicated?
And of course, they're always the ones you care more about. So that it hurts even more having screwed them up.

FML.

What if...

---this is pure work of fiction---
This blog is usually to give order to my thoughts, and the events described are ones that happened.
This ain't. It's just some personal rambling, and things I wish would happened, so I wrote them down like it was a story; that is how I always exorcize my demons.



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Oh gosh. Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh.
I have been imagining -dreaming- this moment for months. Never thought it could actually happen. And now I am panicking. Of course! What do I do?!

You're standing there, nonchalantly; staring at the air or something I can't see, your hat just like I remembered it -or maybe it's a different one, who knows.
Ok, this is it. It's the perfect chance, I can't let it slip away. I have to talk to you. I have been obsessing about this, hoping to see you again, expecting you around every corner; it's not like I can walk away now, I'd regret it forever. Again. Goddammit, it can't be that difficult, can it? 
I can still recall the feel of your hands on my hips and the salt of your sweat on my lips. This would just talking. And we're in public. Ok, that doesn't count, given what happened last time.
On we go.
Luckily, there's plenty of people around us -but not too many as to make difficult to make my way through the crowd, just enough so you don't see me walking towards you.
And then I'm there standing, and while I work up the courage to actually say something, you must have sensed my presence, because you turn towards me.
"HI-" I falter.
"Hiya"- and you brush away the hair from your eyes like you always do.
Damn you and that accent Irish accent of yours - sweet and thick like caramel and I swear, it has the same effect on me. If I didn't know what to say before, this sure isn't helping.

While my brain panics while searching for something plausible to say -anything, at this point; you discretely yet obviously look me up and down in what I hope is an appreciative manner. You look amused, possibly because by now I must be blushing like a fire idrant.
"Maybe you don't remember me..." I start .
"Oh, I sure remember you" and then that half grin again. You have no intention of making this easy on me, are you? Dammit.

I was already prepared to explain the circumstances of our last (and first, at it) meeting, to buy myself some time and see if it rang any bell for you; and if it did, just with which feelings you recalled it. Were you mad at me for running off like that? If you didn't recollect who I was - where did we meet, what did we do - I could have just left with some excuse.
But now you have me cornered -although not quite literally, not this time- and I have to come clean.

"...I am sorry I left like that." The million excuses I had made up in my mind, all the things I thought of telling you back then, are gone now. You keep silent, apparently determined not to help me in one bit (are you still upset? If you ever were?). Or maybe you just want to see what am I getting at. About that, I am not even sure I know myself; so good luck to you.
"If it helps, I have been regretting it since then.-" Still no response. Dammit man! "So I was wondering..." I hesitate, trying to read your expression (and failing, so I continue) "...if you'd like to have coffee some time. Maybe. That is, with me." - now I can feel the redness creeping up my neck to my cheeks and I feel even more silly; but I can't take my eyes off of you, craving for an answer and trying to get any hint of one from your face.

You don't reply, for those that seem like endless minutes but probably are just a couple of seconds; then your beard splits in a flash of white teeth and you're smiling -nay, grinning- at me. "I would like that very much."
I smile back to you -really, I don't even want to know how ridiculous I look right now- and I mumble something ;"Good", possibly. Then I turn to leave, trying to hide just how wide my smile is and how happy I am - I don't even know why. "Wait!" and I feel the slightest touch of fingers on my wrist, like your hand went to take it and you changed your mind halfway through. 
Maybe you changed your mind about all of it? Maybe all this was a play, you're just making fun of me. Or a sort of sick revenge. Now you're going to ask my name, because you don't know -ultimately- who am I, and how do we even know each other. I knew I had to leave it like it was, I should have never come and talk to you; this could only have ended badly; why did I even do it!?

"How about you leave me your number?- " I feel a rush of relief so sudden and so overwhelming that I am surprised I'm even still stranding up straight. Which is not unusual, when you're around. "I let you go once, I am not making the same mistake again.".

Confused

I am writing this because I need to say some things, and for ...reasons, I cannot tell them directly to the person they're addressed to. So, I'll write them here instead, that maybe they'll weight a bit less on my heart. And who knows, maybe he's reading (I doubt it).

"What is that you want from me?
I truly don't know, I don't understand.

I haven't heard from you in almost a week, and whereas everyday you 'like' something on my facebook, or leave a comment; I had gotten used to receive your goodnight message [see, this is all your fault. I hated it when it was happening! I hated getting used to it, and liking it. I knew I was right.] although it seems like a lifetime ago when it happened.
What has changed? What have I done? Was it me? Or is it just you? Has your interest just faded? Or did I do something 'wrong'?
Because, in my head (how I look back, and analyze, surely overthinking everything, I reckon) this has begun after I started opening up to you. And, you know, it was you that said to do that. You 'accused' me of never sharing, of never talking about my experiences. So I did. I opened up -like I never, ever do; especially with someone I barely know- and I told you stuff. Things I haven't told anyone, or barely so. I have shared, and trusted. And now you're gone, and I don't understand.
 
I don't regret anything, you know? I have always been honest, and sincere; and my true self. And I am 'proud' proud to say that I don't regret anything I've done, anything I've said. What you've seen is me, and if you don't like it, if I was more fascinating when you knew less; I am sorry, but there is really nothing I can do about it.
I am sorry because I really like you, I am interested in you.
I want to talk to you, and be with you; and yes, have sex with you. I want to see you, to touch you, to kiss you, just to be around you; because I feel comfortable and safe.
And I thought it was the same for you. You said it was, you behaved like it was. It seemed like you couldn't have enough of me. 
Maybe it was.

I don't believe any of the bullshit that my friends want me to; the pathetic chick-flick excuses that come to mind 
"He likes you too much, he doesn't want to get involved, he's scared of the feelings he could develop for you, he wants you too much and if he was around you he could not resist, and you'd end up doing things he'd regret."
That's honest crap.
You like some one, you reach for them. You want to see them.
You don't? Not interested. Easy as that.

And then there are the things you do say.
Every once in a while, when I do talk to you.
The things I keep thinking about, and that I just cannot let go; against my own better judgement, because they give me 'hope' (although it's not hope, not really. More like doubt instead. Ok, hopeful doubt, if anything like that exists) that maybe, after all, you do care.
Things like
"I think about you more than it's healthy" (is it true, that children and drunken speak the truth?)
or
"You have no idea how much [talking to you] means to me".

And then you just disappear for days.
What. The. Fuck.

See, and  it's not even about sex. It's not about "...what's going on between us?"
I've 'given up' on that already - if I ever had any expectations (not really).
I don't even have any doubts anymore (those I did have, for a long time); I don't ...'obligated' to you in any way -if I will get the chance to be [as in have sex] with someone else, I'll take it, no second thoughts- although of course I am still attracted to you (see, how foolish I am. For me nothing has changed. I will still feel a tingle and a wave of relief take me over if you text me or something; because of course I am still interested.). But, even as friends -why? What happened? What has changed?
Because, you see, I know it has to do with me. It has to.
Because you talk to your other friends (my friend) everyday. So it cannot be that you 'need time for yourself'. Or don't have time at all, or are not online; or I don't even know what other crappy excuse.
It's me you don't want to hear from, or talk to.
Why? 

I think I deserve an explanation, of any kind.
Just tell me what's going on, at least I'll stop wondering.
I don't want anything from you, honest.
But, how how hazy and shady the relationship between us has been, I think I deserve at least this explanation. Because you refuse to give me any when I try asking, and I am tired of trying.

But I still care, damn me."