Sunday, February 9, 2014


...I am not good at this.
I honestly have no idea of what I'm doing. I'm slightly confused.

So, here's the deal: I do get casual sex, and I do get dating. Uhm. I ... I just don't know where am I? What are we doing? ....I suppose I know, deep down. I know it's just sex, which is fine. It is! Just... saying "I'll call you", and then you wait few days and then you do. "We should hangout sometime" "I'd like that". And now? What...? When? How?
I mean... do we meet up and go directly to my place? Do you actually want to hang out with me? Both are fine, I suppose. I just... don't know what are we up to. And I wish I did, it would make it easier for me.
Should we get to know each other - as in, talk? It would make it easier for me; but at the same time I don't want to jinx what we have, spoil it somehow -knowing you and get attached, or knowing you and not liking you anymore; then we'd lose the connection we have now. And, most importantly, the sex.

But can we talk about this? Should we, even?
I really don't want to bring it up, I don't want ... I don't want you to think that I think there's something more than you want to give me; because, really, there isn't. I'm not even sure I'd want it anyway.

I suppose I'll just wait, and see what happens. If you text me again, what to you want to do. How that goes.
It's just that... it annoys me so much the fact that I can't talk about this. Not even now, but in general.

Why is honesty such a drawback? Why do we have to conceal our thoughts and intentions behind a facade? Why can't I tell you "I want you" or "I want to see you again", "I like being around you" without having it mean more than it implies literally? Why even the most concrete thing has to be misinterpreted? Why do I have to get kicked in the teeth for speaking my mind?

I am not good at this, I am not used to this. I don't know how it works. Can't you just tell me? Why pretending? Let's just be open. What's the drawback? We'd both be happier about it, I know.

Maybe you're not like that, maybe you'll appreciate it. Maybe you won't deceive me.
But I don't know.
Everyone has done it so far, but I really can't bring myself to play that kind of games.
I am no good at them.
I'll show myself to you, as I am, naked - literally and figuratively. You can take me, as I am [literally and figuratively]. There's no need for deception, because I will give myself freely to you.
So don't play with me, please.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Call me maybe?

Finally, an happy post.
I have been neglecting this for a long, long time; and found my venting somewhere else [tumblr, anyone?].
But now...

Now I need to write it down, to scream from the rooftops just how happy I am, and even if I don't get the answers I wish for, I still have to ask the questions - to let them out and hope in cosmic signs that will mean something (an intrinsic human need, I am sure. Since prehistoric times people have been going to oracles and stuff to get answers and since it was kinda complicated, they stick to the serious stuff. But, I am sure, most of them just really wanted to ask "Does he/she like me?")
So... will he call me back?

Gosh, I hope so. He said so. And then... what does it mean? Nothing, really.
And yet...

It's so hard to form a connection, with anyone. Don't you wish to cling to it, whenever you do? How is it possible to feel so good, to have such a good time and now want to do it again?
At the same time, would I mind? Aren't all of human relationship a flimisical, poor thing? How do they even last? They don't mean anything at all.

I am caught between these two extremes and I don't know what to think.
I am happy, oh so happy - the happiness that comes after long pains is always the sweetest, like the water for a traveller in the desert.
I deserved it, and that it makes me so happy. I needed it so much, for so long. I wanted it [him] and I got it [him].
And it was just... perfect. It was!
It's all in the little details - it always is. Not because they mean anything but they give you an insight into a person, just like the smallest thing can just ...irk you and spoil the mood.

But I did - we did - have such a good time.
Kissing is, indeed, the cure for (almost) everything, and we did enough of that to cure even heartbreak (of course, the pain is not gone but well sedated. I have enough of my mind right now - and as I said recently, the balance has finally been tipped off on the positive side)

So, now I'm here and I'm trying to concentrate on my studies but the soreness of my lips (still) is a constant reminder of the day that just passed. The aching all over my body, that's also an aching of the soul - a profound desire to close (literally and figuratively) the bedroom doors and create a world that just our own, for just a little while; and forget all the pain and hurt that's going on.
To strip out of our clothes, and leave the fears and the insecurities, and the doubts; the mask that we wear everyday.
It's just and me and it's here and now.
It doesn't have to mean anything, it doesn't have to involve feelings (gods forbid!) but I can do it because I feel good around you, because you make me laugh and smile and I just like to walk naked around; because clothes are just unnecessary when you're there. Not to purposely turn you on, just because they're superfluous and I feel at ease enought (indeed, it would be striking the contrary, because I always do, but still) not to need them.
Just kiss me again and make me forget about everything. Let me sit on your lap and hold me close. Let's watch a movie and let's talk about it in bed. Let's roll in there, let's mess up my always-perfect-bedroom.
Let's just rejoyce in each other's company and body (and mind); because it's true that life goes on. It does; mindless of our pains and suffering and shouts of agony, it goes on and there's nothing that we can do to stop it.
But there are good things, in this life; and since we're not given a choice about living it, let's drink it to the fullest.

I'll celebrate those that are not longer here by drinking my glass empty.
You're here no more to do any of this, but I am; even if sometimes I wish I wasn't - and it's my duty to you to keep on walking with my head high and a smile on my lips. I owe you.
And maybe, for a little while, there will be someone beside me, holding my hand (we sure did plenty of that too).