Sunday, February 9, 2014


...I am not good at this.
I honestly have no idea of what I'm doing. I'm slightly confused.

So, here's the deal: I do get casual sex, and I do get dating. Uhm. I ... I just don't know where am I? What are we doing? ....I suppose I know, deep down. I know it's just sex, which is fine. It is! Just... saying "I'll call you", and then you wait few days and then you do. "We should hangout sometime" "I'd like that". And now? What...? When? How?
I mean... do we meet up and go directly to my place? Do you actually want to hang out with me? Both are fine, I suppose. I just... don't know what are we up to. And I wish I did, it would make it easier for me.
Should we get to know each other - as in, talk? It would make it easier for me; but at the same time I don't want to jinx what we have, spoil it somehow -knowing you and get attached, or knowing you and not liking you anymore; then we'd lose the connection we have now. And, most importantly, the sex.

But can we talk about this? Should we, even?
I really don't want to bring it up, I don't want ... I don't want you to think that I think there's something more than you want to give me; because, really, there isn't. I'm not even sure I'd want it anyway.

I suppose I'll just wait, and see what happens. If you text me again, what to you want to do. How that goes.
It's just that... it annoys me so much the fact that I can't talk about this. Not even now, but in general.

Why is honesty such a drawback? Why do we have to conceal our thoughts and intentions behind a facade? Why can't I tell you "I want you" or "I want to see you again", "I like being around you" without having it mean more than it implies literally? Why even the most concrete thing has to be misinterpreted? Why do I have to get kicked in the teeth for speaking my mind?

I am not good at this, I am not used to this. I don't know how it works. Can't you just tell me? Why pretending? Let's just be open. What's the drawback? We'd both be happier about it, I know.

Maybe you're not like that, maybe you'll appreciate it. Maybe you won't deceive me.
But I don't know.
Everyone has done it so far, but I really can't bring myself to play that kind of games.
I am no good at them.
I'll show myself to you, as I am, naked - literally and figuratively. You can take me, as I am [literally and figuratively]. There's no need for deception, because I will give myself freely to you.
So don't play with me, please.

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