Sunday, August 18, 2013


I am writing this because I need to say some things, and for ...reasons, I cannot tell them directly to the person they're addressed to. So, I'll write them here instead, that maybe they'll weight a bit less on my heart. And who knows, maybe he's reading (I doubt it).

"What is that you want from me?
I truly don't know, I don't understand.

I haven't heard from you in almost a week, and whereas everyday you 'like' something on my facebook, or leave a comment; I had gotten used to receive your goodnight message [see, this is all your fault. I hated it when it was happening! I hated getting used to it, and liking it. I knew I was right.] although it seems like a lifetime ago when it happened.
What has changed? What have I done? Was it me? Or is it just you? Has your interest just faded? Or did I do something 'wrong'?
Because, in my head (how I look back, and analyze, surely overthinking everything, I reckon) this has begun after I started opening up to you. And, you know, it was you that said to do that. You 'accused' me of never sharing, of never talking about my experiences. So I did. I opened up -like I never, ever do; especially with someone I barely know- and I told you stuff. Things I haven't told anyone, or barely so. I have shared, and trusted. And now you're gone, and I don't understand.

I don't regret anything, you know? I have always been honest, and sincere; and my true self. And I am 'proud' proud to say that I don't regret anything I've done, anything I've said. What you've seen is me, and if you don't like it, if I was more fascinating when you knew less; I am sorry, but there is really nothing I can do about it.
I am sorry because I really like you, I am interested in you.
I want to talk to you, and be with you; and yes, have sex with you. I want to see you, to touch you, to kiss you, just to be around you; because I feel comfortable and safe.

And I thought it was the same for you. You said it was, you behaved like it was. It seemed like you couldn't have enough of me. 
Maybe it was.

I don't believe any of the bullshit that my friends want me to; the pathetic chick-flick excuses that come to mind 
"He likes you too much, he doesn't want to get involved, he's scared of the feelings he could develop for you, he wants you too much and if he was around you he could not resist, and you'd end up doing things he'd regret."
That's honest crap.
You like some one, you reach for them. You want to see them.
You don't? Not interested. Easy as that.

And then there are the things you do say.
Every once in a while, when I do talk to you.

The things I keep thinking about, and that I just cannot let go; against my own better judgement, because they give me 'hope' (although it's not hope, not really. More like doubt instead. Ok, hopeful doubt, if anything like that exists) that maybe, after all, you do care.
Things like
"I think about you more than it's healthy" (is it true, that children and drunken speak the truth?)

"You have no idea how much [talking to you] means to me".

And then you just disappear for days.
What. The. Fuck.

See, and  it's not even about sex. It's not about "...what's going on between us?"
I've 'given up' on that already - if I ever had any expectations (not really).

I don't even have any doubts anymore (those I did have, for a long time); I don't ...'obligated' to you in any way -if I will get the chance to be [as in have sex] with someone else, I'll take it, no second thoughts- although of course I am still attracted to you (see, how foolish I am. For me nothing has changed. I will still feel a tingle and a wave of relief take me over if you text me or something; because of course I am still interested.). But, even as friends -why? What happened? What has changed?
Because, you see, I know it has to do with me. It has to.
Because you talk to your other friends (my friend) everyday. So it cannot be that you 'need time for yourself'. Or don't have time at all, or are not online; or I don't even know what other crappy excuse.
It's me you don't want to hear from, or talk to.

I think I deserve an explanation, of any kind.
Just tell me what's going on, at least I'll stop wondering.
I don't want anything from you, honest.

But, how how hazy and shady the relationship between us has been, I think I deserve at least this explanation. Because you refuse to give me any when I try asking, and I am tired of trying.

But I still care, damn me."

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