Saturday, August 17, 2013


It has always fascinated me, the distinction that English language gives between "alone" and "lonely". 
Having Italian as my mother language, for example, I can tell you we don't have such distinction. The word you use is always the same "solo/a", and you have to add a verb - "sentire" - when you want to express loneliness: as in, "I am alone" vs. "I am feeling lonely".

Of course, one can feel lonely even in company, and being fine with being alone.
I usually am. 
But there are other times, the loneliness gets to me so much it hurts.
This is one of those times.

These days, I feel like I am stuck in a limbo of sorts.
I am waiting to go back to work, for my classes at uni to start; and right now there's quite literally no one I know in town (ok, there's two people, but I chose not to count them for reasons).*
I am scared, and waiting and possibly slightly bored.
More than anything, I could do with a friend, and I really don't know where to turn- I feel like I have no one.

*one of them, I desperately wish he was here.
the other one, I don't really care much for.

Now, this is my blog and no one (no one that I know anyway) is probably going to read it anyway, so I might just as well be honest.
Of course is not true I have no one.
I still have friends (well, sort of) in Italy, and I have my parents, and my best friend... I guess if there was something really wrong I could go to them.

Thing is, there isn't. It is a sort of discomfort that I know exactly where is it coming from, and I know they can't do anything about it anyway.
Plus, I feel selfish arrogant bad (?), but ... [how can I put this?
Sometimes, with all their love for you, you know that those people (I know mine, you know yours) just can't give you what you need. Maybe they don't won't even understand you, understand what the problem even is.
So, to save the both of us from being miserable, and myself from feeling even more lonely, I'd rather just be on my own and fix this one myself.
There's nothing more despicable than turning to the people closest to you, and realizing that they just f*cking miss the point. It makes me feel completely ... I don't know, eradicated. Alien.
It's like... "You're the person that's supposed to know me better than anyone, that I can confess myself to completely; how can you get me this wrong? How can you not understand? Don't you know me at all?"

I am feeling lonesome.
It is the loneliness that comes from not having anyone around, and the bare need for support.
Unspoken, un-worded, pure presence: hug me and hold me tight, let me know that I am not alone, after all. 
Phisical contact. The vicnity of another human being you can just ... be with. The closeness that comes with it, and the comfort. It is heartwarming and benefical.
I don't have that, and I crave for it.

[Since I am being honest, let's be it 100%-  this feeling is, of course, enhanced by the fact that I have a very particular person in mind that I would like close to me right now, and he's not being collaborative; hence adding to my despair.]

This is what pets are for. They sense your discomfort, and they cuddle up to you.
Except my cat, he's (well, first of all, he's back in Italy, and) an ass; and whenever I feel cuddly and in need for affection, he has clearly decided that he has better business to attend and refuses to sit on my lap and being pettet. 
And this is another point:

I could ask, I guess; but I don't want to.
Some things should not be asked! They should be just offered, easy as that!
In an ideal world, I would have someone close to me that would understand my mood, and would offer to watch movies and cuddle under a blanket together. Or just sit close to me while we mind our own business, but kiss me every once in a while.What the heck, even going out for coffee. A random phone call.

I could do all of this, I could ask for it.
But, first off- that's not the point: I want these things spontaneously offered, and it's not the same if you have to ask for it. As one of my friends would argue - "yeah, but if you ask, you get what you want". It's not the same! It's like... the difference from a surprise present and one picked from a whishlist. Yeah, the surprise may disappoint you (or, in my case, you may not get the attentions you need - as I don't), but the point is, if it doesnt't, you know how much the other person cares for you. I need to know that I am cared for. Easy as that.

Secondly... if you ask, and you are refused; it hurts so much worse. Because if you don't ask, you can at least keep thinking (or pretending) that "They didn't know", or "They didn't understand" (they, or he, or she).
But if you ask - if you put your heart right there out, and it's left there... it hurts like hell. It's feezing, out there.

That's why I won't ask.
That's why I won't turn to anyone and speak my distress.
That's why now I'll go and make myself a cup of tea, get under a blanked and watch The Lord Of The Rings all day long.
Because I can not stand to be rejected.
Because I know I can do it on my own.

To prove myself that I am good enough, and strong enough, and I will get through this, like times and times before, and times and times again like I know they will come in the future.
I am enough.

But sometimes is also okay to feel lonely, and want to cry; and you can do that.
And no one will be here to see me anyway.

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