I've always valued my indipendence more than anything.
I hate feeling restricted, depending on someone else (for anything - for my happines, to have something done... really anything). I've always thought, I'd be better off by myself than with someone I don't want to be. That relationships should not be entered lightly and you should really be with someone you want to be with, not having a couple life just out of habit. Because, honestly; of course you get attached to someone with whom you share your daily life with, that you hear from everyday and exchange physical affections - up to and including, but not only, sexual intercourse - and share your free times and holidays with. I always say, it's like sleeping with your pet- you get attached to a hamster too, if you have it around it everyday and you don't detest it.
I stand by all this. I haven't changed my mind and - goodness! - certainly I don't want to settle. I never liked second bestes, for me it's always been all or nothing. I want what I want; and if I can't have it, I'd rather not have anything at all than settling for something that just won't do.
That's who I am, that's how I'm done; and - to be honest - I am quite proud of it too.
There are so many in betweens.
There's the aching in your loins and your lips those days you just really want to kiss someone.
There's those days when nothing seems to go your way, and you just wish you had someone to call.
There's the bewinderment when you wake up in the middle of the night and you're alone in your bed; or in the morning when you open your eyes and you just wish, with all your might, just for few seconds, that there was someone resting the head on the pillow next to yours.
There's the coming home late at night, sore and tired; when you crawl under your blankets and you would want to have someone to hold you close, and fall asleep to the sound of their breath.
There's the times you go to the movies alone, and walk in the park with the colours of the autumn all around you, and the falling leaves; and no one to hold your hand.
And it's great that you can close the door behind you, and no one will come knocking and bother you. That you don't have to share those popcorn at the movies, or fight about just which one to go to anyway. The freedom to just shut off your phone and have no one panic because you don't answer. The luxurious joy of just spreading your limbs and stretch like a cat in that bed of yours; and not having to fight for space.
All this is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I love it.
And usually the times when I enjoy and treasure all this are many more than the occasional pang of solitude. All in all I am happy.
But can you honesly, entirely be happy of a choice that's not yours?
Yes, I value my freedom and indipendence and all that; but sometimes it would be nice to have someone knocking on that door, or turning on the phone and find five missed calls.
Because it would mean that someone cared enough.
And although things are so much better lately, and I've had more in these past few months that I've experienced in my whole life, even if I feel confident and attractive, and I know how to have a good time without regrets, even if I've ticked off some "I'd like to do this" from my list
I still feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and I am reaching out, and there's no one there to grab my hand.
And it gets so tiring, and I am afraid I will end up letting go or just turning around and not looking back- close inside myself and just "fuck everyone". And this scares me, because I've been there before - and it was a dark, dangerous path; and I don't even know how I get through it, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it once again.
And it feels like I am here, with my heart wide open and no-one will take it.
More, I feel completely alienated because sometimes I don't seem to feel what others feel; or I just frequent people with such different sensitivities than mine that I could come from a different planet.
And I'm not ashamed - for no one should ever be of one's emotions or ways of feeling - but I swears it makes me wondering
Is there something wrong with me?
Because everything I touch seems to turn to dust, and I keep on caring for people that clearly don't do the same for me
and I don't seem to be ever able to keep anyone around.
And it doesn't matter if it's someone I want or not [bear with me for a second here] because at least it would mean that there's something, in me, worth loving.
We all want to be loved. It means that we're worth it. I need to feel worthy of someone's love.
And I want to be adored, and cherished. I want someone to feel enchanted by me, by the way I smile and the passion I put into things. That will forgive my insane attachement to fictional characters, and to share my passions for books and movies and baking and horse riding and travelling.
Someone that will caress my hair and kiss my neck. To hold my hand and stroke my back. To trace with his fingers every freckle and birthmark on my skin (and there's a lot of them). To marvel at the texture of it, and to hug me close. To rest his head on my chest and having him offer his shoulder to cry and/or sleep on.
I want to feel desired, and take his breath away when I take off my clothes. I want to be undressed and desired so intensly it hurts.
Given my more than strict requirements about being in a relationship [see above] I could settle for having this for at least one night.
But then he wouldn't call back, and I'd feel the emptiness even more.
What's wrong with me?!